OS: Build Your World Around Me

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OS: Build Your World Around Me

In theory this was everything she wanted. She'd gotten out of that stifling little town that Khushi seemed to love so much, she'd travelled all over India, she'd gotten to do everything she wanted and even more. She'd even married somebody of her own choice. Somebody who wasn't perfect but somebody she loved all the same. Everything she had now she had because of Akash. Money, freedom, Lakshya, everything. She just didn't have Akash anymore.

New York had seemed so exciting at first, so far away and so amazing. When Arnav had offered Akash the opportunity to handle the AR branches in America, they'd both jumped at the chance. Payal longed to get away from the tension that still pervaded the house in the aftermath of Khushi's revelation and she wanted to be able to look after Lakshya without interference from her mother-in-law and so she had encouraged Akash to readily accept.

Sometimes she wondered if he'd just played at being in love with her. She wondered if there had ever been any depth to their relationship. When she'd told him, he'd been so angry. She'd expected that, maybe even wanted it on some level. But she'd expected him to forgive her. They were Akash and Payal. They were meant to be. How else could you explain her first wedding being cancelled? Her and Khushi moving to Delhi? Arnav being Akash's brother? It had to be fate. They couldn't have all just been coincidences, Payal doesn't believe in coincidences anymore.

She had once. The party...or was it a wedding? They'd been to so many parties in that short period of time that she could no longer differentiate between them. She didn't remember but she did remember how bored and invisible she'd felt. In India she'd been her own person, she had friends and family but here she was just Akash Singh Raizada's wife. He was still living his dream. His name was still in the papers every time he released a new range or opened a new store or something. But her? She was reduced to being his plus one on invitations. They knew he was married! Would it kill them to take the extra effort to write "Mr and Mrs. Raizada" not just "Mr Raizada and one guest"?

She'd left Akash to his friends and his drink and wandered out to the garden when she saw him. She hadn't been able to speak, just watched as he'd walked towards her without even glancing in her direction. Chewing gum nonchalantly and walking with that careless swagger he had. "Abhishek?"

"Abhishek?" he'd turned around cockily, looked her up and down and she'd known instantly. It couldn't be Abhishek. Yes their faces were identical but at the same time they weren't. Abhishek's smile had been infectious whereas Ashutosh's just looked lecherous.She knew Abhishek had a twin who was supposed to arrive for their wedding. The wedding that had never happened.

He'd sat down next to her on the bench and remarked. "I'm Ashutosh, his brother. Obviously the better looking one." And he'd smiled again but it didn't seem as lecherous as his first one had but cheeky and even somewhat endearing. Now he looked more like Abhishek.

"So how do you know Abhi anyway?" he'd asked putting an arm on the bench and leaning back.

"I was... we were... we knew each other in Lucknow."

"Well, then you can tell me all about it! I haven't been back home in years." He'd spoken animatedly to her about his work and children before he went back inside, he'd only come outside to smoke in peace without his wife nagging him.

She'd realised then it was the first real conversation she'd had in weeks. One that didn't involve the lack of milk in the refrigerator, Lakshya or some new design Akash was working on.

She'd been so stupid. She saw it now. All the attention, all the gifts he'd given her. They hadn't meant anything to him. They hadn't even meant anything to her either. She'd just wanted the attention he was so willing to provide.  She'd had no real friends in America then and Ashutosh with his meaningless and endless compliments had papered over that particular crack for a while. Papered over it but never filled it. She knew now and she'd probably even known then, only Akash could fill that crack for her. Only Akash could make her wishes come true. Just like he'd done with all the others.

But then she ruined everything. It was the most uninspiring sexual encounter of her life. Sex was always the one thing she'd had with Akash even then. It had been a lot more sporadic but every time, Akash somehow became his old self again. That innocent boyish young man he'd been when they first met. The one who always put her needs first. The one who hadn't even complained (not out loud any way) when she'd fallen asleep in a drunken stupor on their wedding night. She'd been so nervous that night, but it was nothing compared to how worried she'd felt then.

Ashutosh had tried to hold her hand after but she couldn't bear to touch him anymore. They'd barely finished when she practically leapt out of the bed and gathered her clothes. That was when she'd seen the expression on his face. There had been no regret there. He'd looked so smug that if she'd been her sister Khushi she would have probably punched him. But she wasn't. She was just Payal, Payal Raizada, meek and quiet. Payal Raizada, who was so proud when her husband got promoted, Payal Raizada, who had just cheated on that same husband the first time things had gotten rough. She'd wanted to justify it to herself; Akash was the one who'd started the fight that morning, not her. He was the one always working late, not her. But she couldn't. She'd known that it was her fault just like she'd known she couldn't lie to him.

Sometimes she wondered if he'd just played at being in love with her. Because he hadn't even tried. She'd arranged for a babysitter the next evening but Akash hadn't even noticed Lakshya wasn't there when he came home from work. He'd looked so tired. She'd wanted to leap on that as an excuse not to tell him that night but he'd barely gone into their room to change before sticking his head out of the doorway to say "Why's it so quiet? Is Lakshya ill?"

He'd been quiet for the longest time. She'd told him they needed to speak since he'd been asleep the previous night but she'd waited until he'd eaten. She knew Akash. When he was upset he didn't eat like she did. He drank and it would be better if he didn't do that on an empty stomach.

Just when she'd been contemplating speaking again he let out the most distressing scream she'd ever heard and swiped a large arm on the kitchen table causing his plate, and glass to crash on the tiled kitchen floor. He'd then picked up the vase of flowers he'd bought the previous night to say sorry, raised it above his head before throwing it on the floor too. Payal had closed her eyes when he'd picked up the vase but she opened them as she found herself being dragged by the shoulders from her seat.

"Why?" his face was inches away from her face. A situation they'd been in often enough, but the expression on his face was completely unfamiliar. She'd never seen him this angry and never with her. He hadn't even looked like Akash to her. She'd been unable to speak but he'd merely repeated his question, his hands digging into her shoulders even more.

Never before had Payal been more aware of the difference in their sizes. If somebody had asked her the day before if Akash would ever be violent towards her, the answer would have been an immediate no. If anything, she'd been the violent one in their relationship although she wouldn't class the playful slaps she gave him as violent but before that day that was the only frame of reference for violence in their relationship. She knew Akash would never hurt her intentionally as well as she knew her own name but she'd been genuinely scared because at that moment he wasn't Akash. Not her Akash.

He probably saw the fear on her face because he'd released her immediately and sat back down in his chair and put his head in his hands. She'd gone and knelt down next to him oblivious to the shards of china and glass littering the floor and taken his hands in hers forcing him to turn, forcing him to look at her.

"Akash, I'm so sorry. I never meant... I didn't..."

He pulled his hands free from hers and she shrank back from him as he bought his face and that expression once again dangerously close to her own. "You didn't what? You didn't have fun with him? What? Wasn't he as good as you expected? Come on, you can tell me."

"Akash, please." She'd been on her knees already but her hands had come up so she'd been literally begging him.

It was then that his expression had changed. But she wasn't sure whether she'd preferred the unrecognisable, furious Akash because the image of that Akash, dejected and distraught still made her chest hurt every time she pictured it.

He'd pushed his chair back and knelt in front of her, took her hands in his and lowered them before resting his forehead against hers and closing his eyes. She couldn't remember who'd started crying first but she remembered the delusion she'd had at that time thinking it meant he'd forgiven her. Or at least that he'd understood. He'd stopped crying before her, pulled them both so they were standing and had even bent down and brushed the glass and china that had embedded themselves into their trousers.

"It's late, you can stay tonight but I want you to go before Lakshya comes home tomorrow. I don't want him to see you like this, crying."

He'd then turned around and walked to the bedroom while Payal stood there watching as Akash walked away, seemingly taking with him every good thing in her life. He'd just accepted it so easily. Just like that their marriage was over.

She never had let Lakshya see her cry; neither had she ever asked if he'd seen Akash cry. She knew the answer would be no. Not because Akash didn't care, but for the same reason Lakshya had never seen her cry. He neither deserved it nor would he understand it. She always found herself smiling inexplicably when Lakshya asked if she and Akash didn't love each other anymore.

Sometimes she wonders if he'd just played at being in love with her. Because he hasn't even tried. But then she remembers that she hasn't tried either. She hasn't tried to talk to him, she hasn't tried to explain and she hasn't even tried to change his mind. She'd accepted it just as easily as he had. But that doesn't mean she loves him any less. It doesn't mean he never loved her. Sometimes it's just easier to give up.

But then Payal looks at Khushi and Arnav. Finally so happy and content after so many years of pain and anguish. They hadn't given up and she wouldn't give up either.