SS: Do You Sleep? - Part 5

Part 5

18.15 to 23.50

 

'You... You gave proof of my innocence Asher but where can I find that Khirad that was ready to sacrifice herself for you? There aren't four years between us but four centuries. My love hasn't died but it's definitely gotten lost somewhere. Where can I bring that love from? If today... you ask me from myself, where can I find my identity?'

'Then don't look for that Khirad. I'm not worthy of love. You should never forgive me. You hate me and you should hate me forever. Because maybe... maybe your hatred will make the burning guilt inside me lessen a little. All the separation and turmoil in our lives was brought about by me. You shouldn't forgive me for any of my crimes. True lovers aren't cruel and un-trusting like me. Lovers aren't cowards like me'

'I don't understand what decision I should make.'

'Only think about Hareem. If Hareem wasn't in our lives I would have taken myself far away from you forever. But Hareem is our daughter. She doesn't need just a loving father; she needs mother who will love her very much. Khirad, don't forgive me if that's what you want but please for Hareem's sake accept me once more. Please.'

'If you loved me then you should have fulfilled your promises. What kind of love did you love me that you didn't even trust me? Left me alone half way? I'm tired Asher; tired of fighting against life, tired of living alone.'

'I'll never leave you alone again Khirad. I'm sorry.'

---

The rain came then, almost as if it was absolving Asher of his crimes, washing away the past. Khirad didn't know if she could do the same; if she could forget the past. Would she always resent Asher's mistrust? Always be wary of the past repeating itself?

The rain continued to fall steadily throughout the evening and Khirad could hear the soft rhythmic pattering of raindrops against the window as she watched Hareem sleep. Khirad hadn't been able to watch Hareem sleep peacefully in over 2 years. It was such a unique feeling to be able to watch your child sleep without the gripping fear that she might not wake up in the morning, that you might never see her smile again.

Khirad could watch Hareem sleep for hours but mostly she stayed where she was, seated in the wooden chair at Hareem's desk because she wasn't sure where to go. The clothes she had brought with her this morning she knew had been delivered to Asher's room but did he expect her to move back in there with him? Would he expect a marital relationship to resume immediately?

If she was honest, the thought of sleeping with Asher both disgusted and thrilled her at the same time. Her blood heated when she would remember the feel of his rough hands gliding across her skin but then she would remember the countless nights she had spent alone, pregnant and uncomfortable.

---

Asher jerked awake and sat up. He had intended to stay awake until Khirad came in but lack of sleep the night before and the stress of dealing with his mother had left him on the brink of collapse. His neck ached from the awkward position he had fell asleep in and he massaged it with one hand as he adjusted his glasses with the other. He looked at the bed and then towards the bathroom, hoping for a gleam of light underneath the door but there was only darkness.

He sighed deeply when he realised Khirad must have gone to sleep in Hareem's room. Her bed was still there from the months that the two had shared a room during Hareem's treatment.

He knew it would be days, weeks, months, maybe years before Khirad would feel comfortable with him again, before she could trust him again but Asher had been naive enough to hope that Khirad would be willing to at least share a room with him again.

He got up and padded softly towards Hareem's room, not wanting to disturb either of them. The soft artificial glow of a nightlight greeted him as he opened the door slowly. His gaze first fell on Hareem, she was hugging a large pink bear and her lips were lifted up into the hint of a smile. He smiled himself at the sight before looking beyond to the bed at the far end of the room to catch a glimpse of Khirad but the bed was empty, the duvets still folded neatly at the end and no evidence of having been slept in.

His heart jumped and he quickly scanned the room breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Khirad slumped across the desk, her hair falling across her face. He moved towards her slowly and bent down next to her. Gently he pushed away the strands of hair obscuring his view of her soft parted lips and dark lashes resting on her cheeks.

His heartbeats skipped joyfully with optimism. She hadn't come to his room but neither had she slept in the bed in Hareem's room. There was still some hope left.

Careful not to shake her roughly and wake her, he swept her up into his arms and carried her out of the room.