FF: Breathing Only Half of the Air - Chapter 12

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Chapter 12

‘I’m here now.’

Arnav felt a sense of peace spreading through his veins warming his blood as he took in her words and let his gaze trail across her face. Her rosy pink lips, which he could still feel imprinted on his lips from their solitary kiss, her porcelain cheeks, unbelievably expressive eyes and then his eyes drifted to her forehead and he stepped back as if he’d been scalded.

The red mark was practically faded at this time of night but still it seemed to shine brightly like a beacon, blinding him.

‘Arnavji? Wh... what’s wrong?’

‘You... you said you didn’t marry him, he married somebody else. So why do you still...’ he pointed towards her head, trying to control the resurfacing anger he’d been feeling for the past two weeks whenever he’d caught sight of her mangalsutra and sindoor.

Khushi took a small step back herself as she realised what Arnav had inferred from her earlier outburst. A small part of her wanted to simply confirm his beliefs for now, remembering just how possessive Arnav was when she had simply been friends with Nanheji. Knowing the truth now would possibly ruin what little understanding they’d managed to salvage in the past few minutes and she desperately wanted to revel in a few more moments of solitude, where it was just her and Arnav and the rest of the world didn’t matter. ‘Suraj is my husband.’

It wasn’t anger or surprise that resulted from her statement but a feeling of numbness. He knew he should be angry, he should be confused but there was only an empty void, waiting for the appropriate emotion to fill it as he waited for her to continue.

Khushi sat down gingerly on the edge of the recliner, her eyes fixed on Arnav’s until he finally relented and sat down on the edge of the bed facing her, his hands hanging loosely in his lap, contrasted with the constant clasping and unclasping Khushi was doing with her own.

‘We are married but we didn’t get married three years ago. I didn’t leave y... here and get married straight away. Suraj and I only got married last year.’

‘But Sharman?’ He’d been intending to stay silent and listen to her story completely but the discrepancies in dates and information he already knew and what Khushi was telling him now had the words leaving his mouth instantly.

‘I told you Arnavji. He’s not my son. I mean he is my son, of course he is! I love him! I would never treat him any different than if I had my own but...’

‘Khushi!’ He interrupted her sensing that she was going off onto a tangent as she often did and ran a hand through his hair before deciding to just ask, rather than letting the doubt fester in his mind. ‘But what about the picture? I saw it in your apartment. You were in hospital with a baby. Sharman, right?’

‘You saw that?’ She asked incredulously, surprised not only by his attention to detail but also by his open acceptance of having noticed the photo. The Arnav she had left behind would do everything to avoid acknowledging that he even realised people other than his sister existed. Even if he had noticed something as insignificant as a personal photo he would never have admitted to it.

‘Yes.’

‘When Sharman was... No wait, I have to explain first. When I left before, I went to Lucknow. I didn’t... I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I went back to our old house. Suraj was a neighbour and I didn’t really talk to him at first but then his mother died. She’d had cancer and well that doesn’t matter. Anyway Buaji was right. Suraj did get married three years ago, right after his mother died, he was in love with Shweta, I’d gone to school with her and we were friends before we moved to Delhi. I helped, you know they were having some problems because of Aunty and also Shweta’s family didn’t approve but I... I didn’t... after I left, I thought that at least someone should be happy and in love so I helped them... I didn’t realise...’ Khushi took a deep breath, swallowing heavily trying to control herself so she wouldn’t start crying.

‘Shweta’s family didn’t approve so they got married secretly, it was so romantic! And were going to move to Mumbai where Suraj had a job offer. They asked me to go with them and I... I went because I didn’t have anywhere else to go and I couldn’t... I couldn’t really erm... I didn’t have any money so... I went.’ She noted the slightly pained expression on his face when she mentioned not having any money and rushed to try and remove the pain.

‘It was fine! I like Mumbai! Suraj and Shweta helped me, they found me some children to tutor and that way I could pay them some rent and for food, even though they didn’t want me to. I was...’

Happy wasn’t the right word to explain how she had felt those first two years, there was always a restlessness inside of her, itching to go back to Delhi, back to her family and him but there had also been a sense of peace and tranquillity which had been missing ever since Arnav had stormed into her life.

‘Content. We were content. And then Shweta got pregnant. Suraj was so happy, they both were and I was happy for them as well. But then...’ she couldn’t stop this time as one tear and then another began to slowly trail down her cheek. ‘When... when Shweta was 8 months pregnant we were in an accident, a car crash.’

Her tears had had him squirming in discomfort, aching to wipe them away but at the mention of a car crash Arnav sat up, his heart in his throat at the thought of Khushi being hurt even though he could clearly see her sitting in front of him, in perfect health. ‘What happened?’

‘It was a big lorry and our car, it got... turned over. Suraj was... his side was okay and he got out and then he... he helped Shweta out and she was... she was in a lot of pain. He should have... he should have left me but he...’

‘Left you?! Are you crazy?! What if something had happened to you?!’

‘He didn’t. He didn’t leave me. He got me out of the car too but... it took too long. It was my fault... if he hadn’t stayed for me...’

Her tears were becoming unbearable now and Arnav couldn’t control himself any longer. He moved across the room to sit on the floor in front of her. He sat on his knees, wiped away her tears and then took her hands in his. ‘What happened Khushi? What happened to Shweta?’

‘She went into premature labour but... by the time we got to the hospital... if we’d gotten there earlier. If Suraj had taken her first... she might have... I didn’t even see her Arnavji. I had internal bleeding myself and I wasn’t even there... she died because of me. She didn’t get to see her son because of me... and I didn’t even get to say sorry...’

‘Shh, shh Khushi. You don’t have to apologise. You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did Suraj. You didn’t know what was going to happen.’ He held her head against his shoulder, stroking her hair as she sobbed into his shirt. When he finally felt her tears stop and she was now simply resting her head against him he voiced the purely selfish thoughts that had been lingering in his mind as she’d talked. ‘Are you okay though, Khushi? There’s not any complications from the accident is there?’

She shook her head, still pressed up against him, her hands loosely fisted against his chest while his held her shoulders firmly.

‘Is that why you got married? Because you felt guilty?’

She shook her head again before pausing and then nodded. ‘Shweta’s family tried to take Sharman away from us. They said Suraj was an unfit father and that they could look after him better. Suraj asked me... he needed me to marry him so we could keep Sharman and I... I didn’t think... I thought I would never... we would never... I didn’t have a reason to say no.’

Arnav nodded slowly, understanding every word she’d left unsaid. ‘It’s my fault I made you feel like that. I let you think that I didn’t care because I didn’t look for you right? I’m sorry Khushi. I’m so sorry.’ He sighed with the realisation that she had been completely truthful and now it was his turn. ‘I just... my parents left me Khushi... and I was always scared Di would do the same. And then you... I didn’t even realise I had the same fear about you until you did leave and then I was... I was angry as usual so I didn’t... I let my pride get in the way like always. I should never have... I’m sorry.’

Khushi put her arms under Arnav’s and around him so she was hugging him now as she shook her head again, ‘no, no, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.’

Arnav pulled her slightly closer into his chest lifting her slightly as he stood up and then sat them both back down on the chair before putting his arms around her finally for their first real hug.

Khushi had no measure of how long she spent listening to Arnav’s heartbeats and feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. She only knew that she wanted the experience to last forever.

Arnav could have sat with Khushi in his arms forever, but far in the recesses of his brain, the part not fogged up by sensation of Khushi’s soft breasts against his hard chest, her lips against his collarbone and her hands on his shoulder blades, there was a question longing to escape and be answered. ‘Now what, Khushi?’