FF: Breathing Only Half of the Air - Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Khushi put Sharman down onto the middle of the bed and kissed him on the forehead before she looked at Suraj who was also sitting on the bed. 'This is okay right? You don't mind sharing a room?'

'It's not the first time we've slept like this Khushi,' Suraj smiled and shook his head. 'So you wanted to tell me something?'

Khushi smiled back at him as she remembered nights when Sharman had been suffering from colic and they'd sleep on either side of him, hands lightly placed on top of his stomach poised in readiness for any sign of distress or pain.

She nodded before she took a few minutes to compose herself as she thought about the kiss. When she'd kissed Suraj it had felt comforting, reassuring and safe but Arnav's kiss was dangerous, exciting and intoxicating in a way that Suraj's had never been.

'I kissed Arnav, I mean he kissed... I mean we kissed each other,' she said in a rush before looking up at Suraj.

'Right. I see.'

Khushi bit her bottom lip as she waited for Suraj to say something else. He was always very calm and this was exactly the type of reaction she'd been expecting but it wasn't the one she wanted. Suraj's quiet unassuming nature had rubbed off on her and she had mellowed in the past year but there were occasions when she wished he was more volatile, more instinctive and passionate.

'So what does this mean? Are you and Arnav...'

'What? No! He still hates me. He's always hated me.'

'Come on Khushi, he doesn't hate you. Did you see how he was looking at me today? And how fast he ran away when Buaji made me put the mangalsutra on you?'

'No Suraj it's not like that, he's just...'

'Khushi,' he put a hand over hers to stop her talking, 'how do you feel?'

'Feel?'

'You and Arnav kissed. That's a big thing. How do you feel about it?'

Khushi sighed and looked up at the ceiling before she looked back at Suraj. 'Does it get easier? Do you... I mean does it stop hurting?'

'You tell me Khushi. It's only been a year for me, you've had three.'

'I don't know. I thought... I thought it would be different, I thought I wouldn't feel like this anymore but I... he... Suraj, do you miss her? I mean of course you miss her but do you miss her the same as you did before?'

'Khushi, don't do this.'

'What?'

'Shweta and I we had our time. It's done. She's not coming back and I have to accept that. But you and Arnav, it's completely different. If you want, you can go and get him. He's right out there. Waiting for you.'

'He's not. He's not waiting. And even if he was, it doesn't make a difference, I can't...' Khushi stopped and looked over at Sharman still sleeping peacefully, one hand fisted next to his cheek. The day he had born, the second that Suraj had placed that sweet little boy into her arms she'd known.

That was it, there was no going back. She could never again spend hours looking at his pictures, ensuring the image of his face didn't fade from her mind. She could never again go to sleep conjuring up images of heartfelt reunions. She could never again stare at the stars begging her parents for some help, some divine intervention in bringing Arnav back to her.

Suraj tugged lightly on her hand to bring her out of her thoughts. 'Do you remember our wedding Khushi? Mine and Shweta's? You should, if it wasn't for you Khushi, there wouldn't have even been a wedding. I would have moved to Mumbai and probably never seen either of you again. You were the one that convinced Shweta to talk to me, you were the one that convinced us one stupid argument couldn't wipe away years of love. So why did you let one misunderstanding wipe out your love? Don't think about Sharman, don't think about me. Just think about you and think about Arnav. Don't you want a chance? Khushi, if I could have another chance with Shweta, if she was here today, if she looked at me the way Arnav looked at you then there is no way I would be sitting in this room talking to you.'

Khushi fought back tears, she so desperately wanted to take Suraj at face value, wanted to grab hold of his offer, the escape rope he was throwing at her but she couldn't. 'Suraj I can't, it's too late. Even if I... Sharman needs me, I could never...'

Suraj got up from the bed in frustration throwing Khushi's hand back into her lap. 'Sharman deserves more than this! He deserves two parents who love each other! I thought... I thought this was the right decision, I thought this was what he needed but... it's not. Khushi, it's not. I'm sorry. I... I know what this sounds like but it's not because you kissed Arnav I promise. I just... I've been thinking about this for a while.'


'Thinking about what?' What are you saying?'

Suraj took a deep breath before he sat back down on the bed. 'This isn't an ultimatum Khushi, I don't want to force you to make a decision. I already... I already did that to you once, I don't want to do that again but something needs to change. We have to change. We're not being fair to Sharman and we're not being fair to ourselves.'

'What do you mean?'

'Khushi when we go back... I mean if we go back, I want to things to be different. I want us to have a real marriage, I want Sharman to have proper parents.'

Khushi looked at him, unable to speak and respond to him as she thought about what he was asking her. She thought about another time when he had asked her something similar in the hospital a year ago. She'd been so overwhelmed with grief and guilt at the time that there had been absolutely no possibility of refusing him. If he had asked a week ago, even a couple of days ago she could have said yes but now...

Suraj took her hands in his again, 'Khushi, I'm not saying you have to decide now. Or even next week. You can... we can go back home and you can take as much time as you need. I just need to know that you will think about it. And I mean properly. Think about me and you and think about Arnav and just take your time and decide what you want. If you want to take a chance, if you want to try and sort things out with Arnav, I'll still... I mean I'll wait if you want me to, in case he doesn't... if he doesn't want to try. And if you don't want me to wait, if you just want to end things straight away, that's fine too. But you need to do this. You need to make a decision. We can't... we can't keep on living our lives like this, living this half life, spending our days living for Sharman and going to sleep every night thinking about lost loves, lost lives.'

Khushi looked down guiltily as she always did at any mention of Shweta. It was so easy for Suraj to say, so easy for him to assume that Arnav would even want to hear anything she had to say let alone look at her with anything other than loathing. Shweta had given Suraj a second chance; she had listened to his explanations and forgiven him. Suraj didn't know how painful it was to beg and plead with someone to look at you, to talk to you, to react and do something, anything only to have them continue to ignore you every day and slowly kill your soul piece by piece.

Suraj wiped away the tears that Khushi hadn't even realised she'd shed and cupped her chin with one hand. 'Khushi, don't... don't take Sharman into account okay? No matter what you decide, no matter what happens. Sharman will always be your son; I would never take him away from you. I mean even if I wanted to, how could I? If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't even have Sharman with me.'

Khushi sighed and looked over at Sharman again, still sleeping peacefully and blissfully unaware of the tragedy she had inflicted on his life. She laughed scornfully. 'If it wasn't for me Sharman would have his real mother with him and you would have your real wife' she said softly, releasing her hand from Sharman's and standing up. 'If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be living this half life, you wouldn't be breathing only half of the air. You would be happy. So how can I even think about trying with Arnav? How can I even think about my happiness after stealing yours?'